Rape Jokes

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said,

"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

Learning Math

Little Johnny was at home doing his Math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying.
"Johnny, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?!"
Little Johnny answered, "I'm doing my Math homework, Mom."
She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?"
Little Johnny replied, "Yes."
The next day, the mother, worried about the
education her son is receiving, goes to
Little Johnny's school to talk to the teacher.
The mother said to his Math teacher, "I would like to know what
you are teaching my son in Math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems."
Little Johnny's mother asked, "And . . are you teaching them to say,
'Two plus two, that son of a bitch is four'?"
When the teacher stopped laughing she replied,
"Not at all! . What I taught them was, 'Two plus two...THE SUM OF WHICH IS...four'."

Engineer ??

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a
shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business
when
a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

REDNECK GHOST STORY

A professor at the University of Oklahoma
is giving lecture on the supernatural. To get
a feel for his audience, he asks:

"How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of
you who believe in ghosts, do any of you
think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take
this seriously.Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one
question further.. Have any of you ever made
love to a ghost?"

One student, way in the back, raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his
glasses, takes step back, and says,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,
no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about
your experience. "

The redneck student replies with a nod and
a grin, and begins to make his way up to the
podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium,
the professor says,
"Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with
a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit...from way
back there I thought you said "Goats."

Malaysian Telephone Service Providers

Malaysian Telephone Service Providers and what they really mean :

010 - ART 900 - Always Repair Telephone
011 - ATUR - Absolutely Terrible and Useless Radiophone
012 - Maxis - Moronic And Xtremely Inferior System
013 - TM Touch - Too Many TMTouch Owners Usually Change Handphones
016 - DiGi 1800 - Don't Invest In Garbage Instruments
017 - ADAM - Always Dropping And Malfunctioning
018 - Mobifon - Most Often Bought In Fake Obnoxious Nightmarkets
019 - CELCOM - Cannot Enjoy Line Clarity on Outgoing Messages

More Mr. Bean

MR BEAN JOKES


BRAIN TUMOR
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss! ! ! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

**************************************************

MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure,
the answer is 6! !

**************************************************

WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet! !

**************************************************

QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no. , hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: Four asterisks!

**************************************************

MARRY
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

**************************************************

CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film.
I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

**************************************************

SPELLING LESSON
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful..
is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

**************************************************

Fun Facts

Things You Didn't Know You Didn't Know


-If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

-Michael Jordan has more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

-You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

-The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

-A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

-A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

-A snail can sleep for three years.

-All polar bears are left handed.

-American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

-Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

-An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

-Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

-Butterflies taste with their feet

-Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.

-Cats urine glows under a black light.

-China have more English speakers than the United States.

-Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants.

-Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

-February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

-Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

-If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

-If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

-If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

-In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

-Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

-Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

-No word in the English language rhymes with month.

-On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

-Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

-Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

-Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

-Starfish haven't got brains.

-Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

-The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

-The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

-The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

-The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

-The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

-The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

-TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

-Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

-You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.